Excerpts From The Book

On the current fight against cancer
“Today, I have a very personal relationship with cancer.  I have not beaten it.  In truth, I don’t know that I am even close to victory.  For now, cancer is crouched over there in the weeds, maybe waiting to pounce on me again.  I can see it peeking at me from the shadows.  We do not have any kind of understanding or agreement, cancer and me.  Cancer and I do not see things eye-to-eye.  We do not relax together in the evening and buy each other drinks.  I hate this disease and by its very nature it acts like it hates me.  In fact, it wants me dead.  I am battling it as I write these words with the medications I take every day, with good nutrition, with regular exercise and with a very positive attitude, and I will continue to do everything I can to beat it.  So, please do not take my cynicism, my sense of humor, for cockiness or uncaring or naiveté.  I am not arrogant and I am not overconfident.  And I am neither ignorant nor misinformed.  Cancer is an evil, unfair and potentially deadly parasitic opponent that looks for weaknesses in its host and works to strangle the life out of it.  I am just doing my best to defeat it, or at the very least to extend the engagement for a long time, to give cancer a run for its money and to enjoy my life.  I encourage you to do the same.”

On chemotherapy (we called it “pimp juice”)
“Chemotherapy is a physical and emotional attack on your person.  It is your conscious decision, because you are a willing collaborator who has signed the pertinent documents in about a hundred different places, to let people inject you with poison in hopes that death will occur at the cellular level in your body.”

“The drugs gave me the infamous “chemo haze” or “chemo brain” that you hear cancer patients frequently complain about.  Two days after receiving a big healthy jolt of pimp juice, I felt like I was living at the bottom of a well.  I had tunnel vision.  I could see the light at the top and the activities and sounds of the day would travel down the well to me, but I could not view the entire world with absolute clarity.” 

“Twenty days after a chemotherapy treatment, I was feeling pretty good.  I was joking with my friends and family, I was reading some of my favorite books and I was getting some exercise.  Just as I was beginning to appreciate feeling “human” again, three weeks was up and it was time to head back for more pimp juice and another plummet to the bottom of the hole.”

Gallows humor following prostate surgery
“The nurse took a deep breath and continued, ‘And, in some patients, there is substantial enough bleeding at the internal surgery site that the blood begins to gather in your scrotum, and your scrotum can actually reach the size of a grapefruit.’”

“The comedy writer in me blurted out, ’I don’t remember reading that in any of the disclosures I signed going into this operation.  Don’t you think the chance of walking around with a grapefruit-sized blood-filled scrotum is something that should have been thoroughly discussed with me before today?  I wouldn’t have gone through with this crappy surgery if I had known of that possibility!’”

“My son Brian, with perfect comedic timing, has waited and waited and waited and then warmly reassured my, ‘Don’t worry dad, if your scrotum starts to get as big as a grapefruit, we’ll just lance it.’  That’s my boy!  Thanks for the vivid mental picture, son.  In that instant I envisioned myself pricking what looked like the world largest blood blister and most of my internal organs spilling out across the table and onto the floor.”

Among the 15 lessons Jerry learned
Lesson #13: Have faith and surround yourself with happiness
“Something that is just as important as focusing on the positive aspects of your life is making the conscious effort to steer clear of the negative influences that swirl all around you.  Don’t let them near you, not physically, not emotionally, nor spiritually.  Don’t let the naysayers have any power in your battle with cancer.  Don’t listen to them.  Don’t let them drag you down.  Don’t let them make you doubt that you can win.  Don’t let them sap your physical and emotional energy.  I can tell you from personal experience that many of the losers in your life will automatically stay away from you once they hear you are sick.  Anyone with cancer scares them to death and they’re so shallow that their friendships were probably meaningless to start with.”

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